I’ve been down since yesterday. The moment my therapist had me get on that scale was the moment my mood shifted. You see, I had an expectation. I had been fitting in clothes I haven’t fit in in over two years. I was looking in the mirror feeling super good about myself, then I stepped on the scale.
I was 20 pounds over weight. Is my idea of myself way different than the reality of myself? Jokes on me right.
I have battled weight gain since being put on Depakote a few years ago. After I found out my husband had been having an affair, I couldn’t function. I spent most of my time either starring out the window like a zombie or on the kitchen floor in a pool of tears. In order to get me functioning again the doctors prescribed me an antidepressant such as Zoloft and a mood stabilzer, Depakote. Well, I went from 118 to 150. I’m 5’4. I was a personal trainer and yoga instructor. I was super fit and felt strong and confident. I have never had a problem with my weight but I do now. I don’t care who you are, that amount of weight gain would bother you.
I have changed medicines, getting off Depakote and moving on to Lamictal. My mood is stable but my weight is not and you know, it really upsets me. I know you are not supposed to put your worth and happiness into a scale but I’m sorry, I do. I can’t help it.
I’ve also recently shifted into a slight hypomanic state, doing whatever I could to get a school loan and go back to school. That is a typical high for me. I have since dropped the idea and am now feeling down…bipolar depression.
I think the scale was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. I told y’all, my mood will shift and if you follow me, you will see it. You will see the highs and you will see the lows. I’m not going to hide it. It is so very healing for me to write this all down. Even if no one reads it, I feel a release and that is all that really matters. If I help someone along the way, then that is simply beautiful and makes me happy.
Ok then, I guess I’m done. My brain is running out of things to say.
Talk to you later